hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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