the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
