just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Randomize
