I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
