I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
why didn't you poke me back
is wine microwaveable?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
