I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
