Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
