im drinking this country out of the recession.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
