After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
