I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
