my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
