I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
