If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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