i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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