trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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