I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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