people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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