so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
