He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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