mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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