who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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