im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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