the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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