my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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