Just took my morning after pill in the library
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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