Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
