dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
