Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
