they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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