wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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