my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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