Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
