Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
