i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
