Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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