had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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