Will you blow on my dice?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
