apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
