where am i from again
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
