i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
