I'm so fucking centered right now
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Randomize
