After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Blow job season was short but glorious.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
