six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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