dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
