he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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