I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
