Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
