Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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