I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
