I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
