3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Who did Billy Mays play for?
operation harelip BJ is a go
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Randomize
