look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
