My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You ate ashes out of my bong
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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