for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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